As far back as I can remember I had a fear of almost everything; from water, to dogs, to getting sick, I feared and worried about everything.
Those fears only increased as I got older. One of the biggest things that sparked my anxiety was a sudden onset of some strange symptoms with my health. When I was 16 I started getting these episodes where half of my body would go numb, I couldn't see clearly or focus or speak clearly. I was honestly terrified but I didn't tell anyone. The episodes happened a couple of times a year. It wasn't until about 7 years later when I was married and had two children that I finally went to see a doctor. He sent me to get her an MRI and to see a neurologist. In this time I prayed a lot.
"Be anxious for nothing,
but in everything by prayer and supplication,
with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God."
Thanks to God the results came back negative for anything serious. The doctors concluded that I was having migraines. Not the usual migraines but at least I knew now what was going on.
Even though I now know what the symptoms are, I still get a bit anxious when I get a migraine. It makes me feel like I am not in control. Aha! Precisely the point. God has been using these migraines to show me that I am not the one in control. He is! So now you know that I am a control freak. On top of that I have anger issues. I have short fuse... very short!
"Be angry, and do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil"
This anger only seemed to get worse after I got married and had children. I anger came because I had expectations and when they weren't met I got angry and bitter. The more angry I got the more "ground" I was giving to satan.
I was pregnant with our fourth child and I was feeling emotional and anxious. I was feeling very insecure and stressed out. Not to mention exhausted. I was now having more migraines. I was crying a lot and didn't know why. God was trying to get my attention but I wasn't' really listening. We had our baby girl in April and I wasn't sleeping or taking it easy at all. After all, I'm supposed to be a super mom right!? Wrong! By September I was so anxious I couldn't eat or sleep. All I could do was pace around the house and cry. I was afraid but didn't know why. I went to the doctor and was given antidepressants but I knew that wasn't going to solve my problems. I got some counselling and that was where I realized that God was really trying to speak to me. My anger, bitterness, and fear was sin and God was using my anxieties to get me to repent and give "ground" to him and not to satan.
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear,
but of power, of love and a sound mind."
2 Timothy 1:7
God used the anxiety to break me. To mold me into someone with JOY and not focus so much on the negative. There are some things that we have no control over, so why waste time worrying about them?
"The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid?"
As difficult as this situation has been, it was needed for God to regain "ground" in my life. Am I perfect? Absolutely Not! But God is still working in me and will continue to do so until my time on earth is up.
I could have written much more, but this is supposed to be a blog, not a book. So please feel free to come talk to me if you would like to know more!